Archives for the month of: July, 2011

Me: Your word is “erratic”.

Contestant: Can you please use it in a sentence?

Me: The judge and jury considered my actions erratic which led to my consequent incarceration.

Contestant: Can you please give me the definition?

Me: Deviating from the usual or proper course in conduct or opinion; eccentric; queer: erratic behaviour.

As in, this morning after cleaning my room at 4.45 I went for a barefoot walk in my pyjamas without my glasses to relieve energy. Did it work? No it did not. Have I been doing drugs? No I have not. Just spell the damn word.

(Contestant cries and leaves the stage)

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Listening to a very fantastic song at the moment and this line sticks to me. “A little advice for aspiring fires, you get put out if you don’t get a little wild”. Oh joy of joys. This is why I am feeling so great recently! Caution has been thrown to the wind and I am in a place I haven’t been before. Instead of a feeling of sheer terror, I am ecstatic. I like being ambiguous about these things for now because it makes me smile when it is something between few people. One of my many issues is letting people opinions dictate my own. In school if a friend didn’t like a band I liked, more often than not, I would stop liking them. My older brother used to tease me for liking Silverchair. I currently tease my little brother for liking Metallica. The thing about asn is, my teasing hasn’t swayed him a bit. He likes what he likes and you can’t say boo about it. I still fully believe he will come to the realisation that Metallica is awful, but until then he is free. And in his defence, I absolutely love the album they did with the SFSO. A great meld of metal and orchestral bliss. Michael Kamen was a genius. (side note: the iPhone dictionary recognises Metallica as a word but has that berating red underline underneath Silverchair. What gives iPhone dictionary?)

Back to my new joy. By leaving it quiet for now, I don’t have to worry about the opinions of others. I am still working on being stronger at my own joys and not let others’ opinions change my own. Until that point, I will be reserved. Considering 90% of my visitors are random Internet wanderers anyway, it doesn’t matter much. But I like what I like dammit. 🙂 Now I am going to sleep. It has been a long and beautiful day. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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I want to start a list of things that make me happy. By no means will it ever be complete because there are so many different things that make me happy. As I sit here on this calm Sunday, I wanted to document some of them.

• Silence

Silence makes me happy because it allows me to fully appreciate things happening around me. How many times do we miss something because we are too busy trying to be funny or liked? I know that I do it all the time. Perfect example was my cousins birthday dinner. His wife got him a Dutch oven for his birthday. A normal Utah type gift for the camping/cooking/grilling folk. My brother adm loves Dutch oven cooking. His wife loves a different kind of Dutch oven cooking. So here we are at dinner to celebrate my cousins birth and it was killing me that I couldn’t make a fart joke. If you don’t know what Dutch oven refers to when it comes to flatulence, Google it. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t say anything. I am constantly worried about being “on” and funny and when people don’t laugh I take it personally. With silence, I am not on. I am observant and peaceful. I truly feel like I have been better at thinking prior to speaking and I love it.

• Music

Music is an easy one. No matter your mood, there is a song to make you happy. I’m not talking about Bobby McFerrin here. I will give a perfect example of music that would be considered angry that honestly made me happy. I was in high school at the time and I was a theatre kid all the way. I love to preform and don’t think I will ever lose that bug. Derek and I had tried out for a musical and thought we were shoo-ins for specific parts. We were both dead wrong. So in a fit of angry we drove around listening to some Stabbing Westward singing as loud as we could. All the anger and disappointment we felt seemed to melt away. This music while some perceive it as angry, made us smile. We had lunch together and went through with the musical regardless. It doesn’t always happen that way, I know. But for me, music has been a huge part of helping me to feel happy. Whether to embrace or escape yourself, even for a moment, it does wonders.

I think I will end it there. Maybe do a compare and contrast of each “happiness” entry. In this one we had opposites with silence and music. If I can keep that theme up, I will. Do yourself a favour and remember to try to be happy. I am fully aware it can feel like you can’t sometimes, but maybe you just need to adjust some things. I can’t really expound on this personal bit, but I think I know exactly what I mean. It indeed has been a shpadoinkle day. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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Here is a picture from yesterday on the tramp. Beautiful day.

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Saturday morning and I am still awake. I need to seriously get on a schedule soon so that school doesn’t suffer as a result of the constant all-nighters that I have been pulling. The line for today, “all the black is really white; if you believe it”, is the subject of this entry.

Recently some things are changing in my life and for the first few days I was in disbelief. Why would things go from despair to hope like that? This isn’t the bipolar talking. I am not talking about my reactions to situations or cycling from manic to depressed. I am talking about tangible things that have been pretty awful and then, in a manner of speaking, all was on the up-and-up. I am feeling more and more in control of my future and I will tell you, it’s damn exciting. So I suppose my point is, what we think is so awful we just need to believe that it’s not. This won’t work with everything. If you believe you can fly, if you believe you can touch the sky, spread your wings and fly away and you aren’t a bird, don’t jump off that building. Be practical. But if things seem awful, believe in you and your happiness. It may come eventually (I can tell it is almost Prozac and Wellbutrin time again!).

Still counting down the days until school starts and I am getting ever excited. After yesterday’s post I went outside to do a bit more writing. No distractions says I (for the record, I don’t necessarily count music as a distraction. For me it totally aides in the process). I lay back on the trampoline and just do some deep breathing. I re-read the entry and knew what I wanted to say. So I got out the Notepad.app and I set to work. Now this history is coming together to make a nice little drama for all involved. I can’t wait to share more, but it does need work. I appreciate my sister for recommending her friends to check out this blog yesterday. It was singlehandedly the best day of my WordPress history. Thanks to those who support me and to those who discover me an continue to read. It makes this not seem so pointless. To everyone, thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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Here it is. 5 am and I am finally writing again. Finally working on this manuscript that was started years ago and has been stifled since. This is just a small excerpt of what the story is about. It’s a historical fiction of epic fictional proportions. Please enjoy. When I have a proper chapter done I will share it here. Maybe. 😉 Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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What a beautiful morning we had today. Utah is full of beauty and this morning was a perfect testament to that. I fell asleep at midnight and was fully awake at 5 am. Kinda sucked, but sleep will constantly evade me. I am done chasing it. 🙂 Today has purpose. Today has feeling. Today has possibilities. I will postulate more on the purported possibilities at a later date. School is fast approaching and I am still super excited. Still looking for work but now with the option of part time only. Last night I sat on the front porch and enjoyed a nectarine and a plum. The evening sky was beautiful and bees were pollenating the lavender. It was a sight and smell that I could not capture but won’t soon forget. I continue my quest to right the wrongs that I am guilty of and hopefully gain some friends back. I spent a lot of time in high school acting like an anti social jerk. That’s because I was an anti social jerk. Now I am just anti social, but with the the hope of progress. Thank you to all the friends that have stayed and even more thanks to those that let me back in. I promise to make it more enjoyable this time ’round. Now enjoy this picture of some birds. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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I think it’s time for another blog for some recommended music. The iPod is on shuffle so I am not sure how long this will be. Maybe you should just enjoy? 😉

Song: Everybody Knows
Artist: Tina Dico
Album: Count To Ten
Beautiful song with great vocals and lyrics.

Song: My Business
Artist: Tina Dico
Album: Count To Ten
Strong woman music makes me happy. What can I say? Must be the strong women in my life.

Song: Kingdom
Artist: Dave Gahan
Album: Hourglass
Is there a God who loves us all?

Song: Naked
Artist: Skip Peri
Album: Naked
Folky country lovin’ stuff.

Song: Lost Verses
Artist: Sun Kil Moon
Album: April
Lo-fi love

Song: Fade Into You
Artist: Mazzy Star
Album: So Tonight That I Might See
I met some awesome people in high school. This song was introduced by some hip kids.

Song: Beautiful Things (Gabriel & Dresden Remix)
Artist: Andain
Album: Beautiful Things
Trance that I found while in Cedar City. Great stuff.

Song: The City Consumes Us
Artist: The Delgados
Album: Universal Audio
Christmas in Cedar city. Leaving my cushy job as an editor to become a whore for an empty living.

Song: Make Your Move
Artist: The Delgados
Album: The Great Eastern
I went on a kick. Beautiful music full of grand memories.

Song: Genius of Love
Artist: Tom Tom Club
Album: Tom Tom Club
It was 5 am and I was watching Totally 80s on VH1 Classic. Same time I discovered Madness. Wow. Great music video.

Song: Idaho
Artist: Nerina Pallot
Album: Fires
The swell of the strings is enough for me.

Song: Everyman
Artist: The Guggenheim Grotto
Album: Happy The Man
Stroll along the pathway and just listen. It’s okay.

Song: A Better Son/Daughter
Artist: Rilo Kiley
Album: The Execution Of All Things
Full of hope, a bit of cursing, strong and proud vocals and musicians.

Music continues to be a part of my everyday life. I think music is a perfect example of how some divine being exists. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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