Archives for the month of: August, 2011

Well friends and family, it is almost a week later. What has happened to me you might be wondering. I am glad you asked!

School has started and I am truly loving it. I am still the shy boy that doesn’t talk in class, but I enjoy class. So it’s a plus.

Health? It’s good and uncertain. My heart is a strong 30-35% ejection fraction. Hooray! What was I worried about? I should have went with my gut and waited until Dr. Miller had a chance to review it, but I didn’t. I freaked out and made some stupid decisions. In light of all that, we are still pushing exercise and medication. I need to be above 35% at my next echocardiogram to be considered in the clear. My hopes are definitely high for the upcoming months.

I have yet to hear from my neurologist to even see her, let alone have the test. I am even looking forward to the electroencephalogram (EEG) because it may provide some information on insomnia and nervous ticks I have. As I write this I am going on no sleep and I can’t quit tapping my foot. Maybe a new life is just around the corner. I am excited to keep going on this journey and will provide updates all along. I hope you are enjoying these posts and I look forward to more updates. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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Hello dear readers. I want to preface this by saying, I have the greatest friends and family a boy could ask for. Today while hanging out with my friend Malora, I had a seizure. Even better, I was driving at the time. I have no idea what happened and awoke to her on the phone with 911. I was trying my hardest to start my car and keep driving, but wasn’t allowed. Good thing because I was truly terrified of what had happened. The fact that I just awoke and couldn’t remember anything was very scary. Of course, the way I deal with this fear is humour. I kept making jokes much to the chagrin of Malora and my family. So for today I had a few firsts. One of which was the ambulance ride and the other was a CT scan. Although, a CT scan isn’t totally different than a few of the heart tests I have had, but it was still a first.

For now there is no cause and I have to get an EEG. Now I have a team of cardiologists and a neurologist. This is not my beautiful life. I feel ok and I am relaxing for now. My body is super tight and there is always the worry that this is a new lifelong ailment. I hope for the best and will keep you updated. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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A warning to any readers of this post: this will contain coarse and vulgar language. The last week has been the most unstable times of my life emotionally and I even lost a few days. I will tell you all about it, I am just warning you, you might not like me after reading this.

I am in bed with the most uneasy feeling I can recall in my life’s history. What has caused this unsettling? Bad life decisions disguised as healthy rebellion.

If you know me, or have followed this blog at all, you know that I have heart failure. Being so young, it has been a strange and even scary experience. Though with the support of family, friends, and modern medicine, I am still alive and doing quite well. I post my updates of doctor visits filled with praise for the boy who fought for his life. Things were going up and up. Then, last week it hit me.

I had an echocardiogram nearly 6 months after my first one. My main cardiologist was amazingly hopeful for my progress simply due to appearance. With the weight loss and demeanour of someone that just won the lottery, he was hoping for the best. My last appointment with him he seemed confident I was making a full recovery. The technician spoke to Dr. Miller speculatively about the results. He said ejection fraction at 25%. Normally I wouldn’t put much stock in what anyone other than my doctor said, but Dr. Miller specifically said that this guy knows his stuff.

Being at 25% I am still in failure. Since it has been six months and I have been on maximum doses of medications, the next step is surgery. Heart surgery. Are you kidding? What happened to the progress? Dr. Miller wants to put in a defibrillator to prevent a life threatening arrhythmia that my weakened heart can’t pull itself out of. That’s what kills heart patients. Not slowing to a 0% ejection fraction, but an erratic heartbeat that your heart isn’t strong enough to correct.

My first thought upon hearing this news was “fuck this”. I am not getting heart surgery. Let it kill me. I have spent the last six months being ever so careful and scared of doing anything that would jeopardise my health. Now? Who cares. I have been given a death sentence of an unsure timeframe. My reasons for not wanting surgery are many. First and foremost, I am already $3,000 in just medical debt from this experience. Not to mention the near $8,000 in unsecured credit card debt due to living off of it both while unemployed and employed. Why would I want to add another $10,000 in bills to cover a surgery that I will spend the rest of my disabled shitty life paying off? It doesn’t add up. Secondly, defibrillators aren’t 100%. They could detect failure improperly and take control of your heart when you don’t need it to. I don’t need to keep worrying. I live my life in fear and I hate it. Cut to that night, I had procured some Cabernet Sauvignon and proceeded to drink myself stupid. The next morning I skipped the anti depressants and just popped lorazepam all day. Needless to say, I turned into a sobbing mess and a moron. I called a girl I like and left a 7 minute voicemail consisting of crying, singing, and silence. Then my sister in law comes over and I try to get her to beat me up. I called another girl professing an untrue undying love just so she would know in case anything happened. The next two nights I continued this binge of self-destruction, convincing myself that it was an act of rebellion that was justified. What has living my life alcohol and drug free done? Nothing. So in my petty and fucked up mind I kept on going down. Saturday night I was told half of what I did and Sunday night my sister in law told me the other half. I divulged information that no one needed to know. No reason except for my judgement had been impaired.

So tonight I lay in bed with calm music playing and a tear soaked face wondering what it accomplished. If anything it strengthened a knowledge and resolve to stay off those substances. I don’t have self-control. I have issues and a wonderful genetic history of addicts. Isn’t it funny how we all feel immune to the dangers and warnings of the world? On Tuesday I have a second appointment with Dr. Miller to go over the full results now that he’s had a chance to look at the test. Wednesday I start school and I feel excited and scared. So impatient and unprepared. And now I have told everyone that wants to know, my very stupid actions over the last week.

Conclusions.

I have discarded the remaining lorazepam and will find other means of attacking my panic. Meditation, exercise, kitten petting, etc.

To my mother, I sincerely apologise for my defiant words towards you today. I know you know they were said in jest, but I would be lost without your love and support.

To my dad, thank you for helping me with everything you have been able to. Our relationship wasn’t the greatest when I was a kid, but I am happy to call you dad now instead of Russ.

To my siblings, I apologise for all actions and words that have offended you. I am truly grateful for you and terrified of life without you. I will try and be a better brother.

To my extended family, your thoughts and well wishes have meant so much to me. In any form you have chosen to pray or think of me, I can tell you with certainty, it helped.

To my friends, I don’t think I did anything to any of you except to show the monster that lives in me. If you choose to seek asylum from his terrors, I understand. If you choose to stay with me, I will do my best to keep him calm and under control.

To myself, remember to think of these promises and where you would be without them. Don’t forget who you are and what you stand for.

To my heart, I am sorry you are broken. I wish I would have taken better care of you. Even now as you feel like a stone buried deep in my chest, I love you. I hope we can work this out.

To a strangers and passers-by, I hope you find comfort and love in your life. I hope you are happy. And if by some chance you’re not, we can always talk. I’m happy to listen.

Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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明日は医者ミラーと約束があります。

私はおびえています。

私の駆出率[EF]が35%未満の場合は、次のステップでは、除細動器をインストールすることです。私はすでに私が上に少量で私の寿命を延ばすために手術を危険にさらすつもりはないことを決定した。私は薬、食事療法、および運動療法の目標を下回るとなった場合、その後、私は単に私の平均寿命を求めるとに移動します。

愛、
エイドリアン

Just wanted to take a quick moment and update the blog. My laundry is going and I am reading. Moving forward is hard. Moving forward is even harder when you have been doing something a specific way for 25 years. One would think that after 25 years of disappointment, regret, and failure, moving onward and upwards would be easy. Thing is, it’s not. What is easy is to fall into the same old shit you were in before. It is so much easier to do wrong and to fail. Why is this? Because failure will never let you down. Failure will always be waiting for you, whereas you have to work for and earn success. I need to evacuate all parts of me that prefer the easy way. Evacuate all parts of my life that expect and thrive on my failure. Time to catalogue those items and begin systematically deleting them. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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