Archives for category: FAMILY

One year ago today, I was discharged from IMC in Murray. I had fruit and cottage cheese for lunch with the most delicious lemonade ever. People bitch about hospital food, but in our current state of evolution, it is delicious, and of course, nutritious.

My mom was sitting on the couch in my room and I remember having never felt better. My health had been in disrepair for a long time and my mental health was even worse. Imagine how happy I was to find out that I was indeed going to live. A very friendly pacific islander wheeled me to my moms car and off we went. I didn’t want to be wheeled out, but I guess wheelchair exits are mandatory. Mom and I went shopping for some new toiletries and I was able to go in with her. I could actually walk around the store with her without feeling like I was going to collapse in giant lump of failure.

A year later I am still fighting the fight and enjoying small victories everyday. I passed my GED with above average scores and I am taking Japanese lessons from my dad. I’m still unemployed but I am applying for jobs everyday.

I couldn’t have got to where I am without the love and support of my family and friends. Whether it was in text or in person, I couldn’t have done it alone. Thank you to everyone and thanks for stopping by.




Let me tell you a little more about myself. I am quirky. Eccentric. Weird. Call it what you wish, I am a unique person. One of my traits was brought up today…or yesterday…as a negative. I am not one to argue against reasons to call me weird or different, but this is something I actually think is normal.

I am an inquisitive person by nature, and when something new enters my life, I need to find out whatever I can. For example, when I was diagnosed with heart failure, I began researching everything I could. Whether it was medication, surgery, diet, or a myriad of other associated terms, I wanted to know what I was in for. Another prime example was when I was getting high. I knew that I wanted to be numb, but I didn’t want to die. So I researched every drug and drink before I took them. Now, after abusing the first drug all that research became null and void. My inhibitions were eradicated and caution wasn’t just thrown to the wind, it was sent soaring off the highest cliff imaginable. Back to the point…

After I had a seizure I began reading everything I could on the subject. This was done to not only cope with what happened but also to prepare for what might come next. Until I see a neurologist I have to assume another one is possible. I was talking with one of my sisters about it and I was asked “…and how do you know this?”. Before I could respond, little asn piped up and said “because all he’s been doing since it happened is reading about seizures!”. I didn’t think it was weird, but it gets brought up a lot. My mother is convinced my calling in life is to be a pharmacist, considering I read everything available on the drugs I do take. I call them by compound name and not by some dumbed down term. I don’t call them heart pills, because I take different ones. I take carvedilol and lisinopril for my heart specifically. When I talk of my pills to anyone I get a look of “Oh…that’s nice”. I don’t take offence to it at all, it’s just one of my many growing geriatric features. Sitting around comparing ailments and medications with war vets that have hearing aids. That’s what life has become. The reason I bring this up right now is because of some reading done on the seizure. Look at the non blurred text in the picture below.


A Finnish death metal band? Now that’s just plain funny. Reading always yields something to make me smile. The fact that in this world we need to differentiate between an epileptic episode and a Finnish death metal band is enough to lighten any mood. Next post is going to be a bit more serious and possibly scary. I hope you’re as excited as I am. Thanks for stopping by.



Well friends and family, it is almost a week later. What has happened to me you might be wondering. I am glad you asked!

School has started and I am truly loving it. I am still the shy boy that doesn’t talk in class, but I enjoy class. So it’s a plus.

Health? It’s good and uncertain. My heart is a strong 30-35% ejection fraction. Hooray! What was I worried about? I should have went with my gut and waited until Dr. Miller had a chance to review it, but I didn’t. I freaked out and made some stupid decisions. In light of all that, we are still pushing exercise and medication. I need to be above 35% at my next echocardiogram to be considered in the clear. My hopes are definitely high for the upcoming months.

I have yet to hear from my neurologist to even see her, let alone have the test. I am even looking forward to the electroencephalogram (EEG) because it may provide some information on insomnia and nervous ticks I have. As I write this I am going on no sleep and I can’t quit tapping my foot. Maybe a new life is just around the corner. I am excited to keep going on this journey and will provide updates all along. I hope you are enjoying these posts and I look forward to more updates. Thanks for stopping by.



Hello dear readers. I want to preface this by saying, I have the greatest friends and family a boy could ask for. Today while hanging out with my friend Malora, I had a seizure. Even better, I was driving at the time. I have no idea what happened and awoke to her on the phone with 911. I was trying my hardest to start my car and keep driving, but wasn’t allowed. Good thing because I was truly terrified of what had happened. The fact that I just awoke and couldn’t remember anything was very scary. Of course, the way I deal with this fear is humour. I kept making jokes much to the chagrin of Malora and my family. So for today I had a few firsts. One of which was the ambulance ride and the other was a CT scan. Although, a CT scan isn’t totally different than a few of the heart tests I have had, but it was still a first.

For now there is no cause and I have to get an EEG. Now I have a team of cardiologists and a neurologist. This is not my beautiful life. I feel ok and I am relaxing for now. My body is super tight and there is always the worry that this is a new lifelong ailment. I hope for the best and will keep you updated. Thanks for stopping by.







Listening to a very fantastic song at the moment and this line sticks to me. “A little advice for aspiring fires, you get put out if you don’t get a little wild”. Oh joy of joys. This is why I am feeling so great recently! Caution has been thrown to the wind and I am in a place I haven’t been before. Instead of a feeling of sheer terror, I am ecstatic. I like being ambiguous about these things for now because it makes me smile when it is something between few people. One of my many issues is letting people opinions dictate my own. In school if a friend didn’t like a band I liked, more often than not, I would stop liking them. My older brother used to tease me for liking Silverchair. I currently tease my little brother for liking Metallica. The thing about asn is, my teasing hasn’t swayed him a bit. He likes what he likes and you can’t say boo about it. I still fully believe he will come to the realisation that Metallica is awful, but until then he is free. And in his defence, I absolutely love the album they did with the SFSO. A great meld of metal and orchestral bliss. Michael Kamen was a genius. (side note: the iPhone dictionary recognises Metallica as a word but has that berating red underline underneath Silverchair. What gives iPhone dictionary?)

Back to my new joy. By leaving it quiet for now, I don’t have to worry about the opinions of others. I am still working on being stronger at my own joys and not let others’ opinions change my own. Until that point, I will be reserved. Considering 90% of my visitors are random Internet wanderers anyway, it doesn’t matter much. But I like what I like dammit. 🙂 Now I am going to sleep. It has been a long and beautiful day. Thanks for stopping by.



Here it is. 5 am and I am finally writing again. Finally working on this manuscript that was started years ago and has been stifled since. This is just a small excerpt of what the story is about. It’s a historical fiction of epic fictional proportions. Please enjoy. When I have a proper chapter done I will share it here. Maybe. 😉 Thanks for stopping by.



What a beautiful morning we had today. Utah is full of beauty and this morning was a perfect testament to that. I fell asleep at midnight and was fully awake at 5 am. Kinda sucked, but sleep will constantly evade me. I am done chasing it. 🙂 Today has purpose. Today has feeling. Today has possibilities. I will postulate more on the purported possibilities at a later date. School is fast approaching and I am still super excited. Still looking for work but now with the option of part time only. Last night I sat on the front porch and enjoyed a nectarine and a plum. The evening sky was beautiful and bees were pollenating the lavender. It was a sight and smell that I could not capture but won’t soon forget. I continue my quest to right the wrongs that I am guilty of and hopefully gain some friends back. I spent a lot of time in high school acting like an anti social jerk. That’s because I was an anti social jerk. Now I am just anti social, but with the the hope of progress. Thank you to all the friends that have stayed and even more thanks to those that let me back in. I promise to make it more enjoyable this time ’round. Now enjoy this picture of some birds. Thanks for stopping by.



A new been started and I am super excited for it. It’s a writing project that started nearly three years ago with my sister-in-law jnan. I was struggling with a manuscript and I got the idea that maybe collaboration would help this drought I had. It temporarily did. We both wrote a few entries for the start of a western type novel. Since then the project kind of faltered and failed. I decided to resuscitate the manuscript after reconnecting with my father.

The details of our relationship are quite complicated and times were rocky for a few years. Rocky as in total silence and the idea that I hated him. This turned out to just be my way of handling things and I am happy to report we are once again speaking and even hanging out occasionally. Things couldn’t be better between us. While this forgiveness and openness was taking place, he told me a story about his family in California. His father came from the town of Hollister, CA and his grandfather (my great great grandfather) had a sprawling and beautiful ranch. My dad told me this story of greed and pain and even an old fashioned gun fight fueled by liquor and horses. How awesome is that? So now I have a place to take this story that I thought was dead a long time ago. Not only that but while I was getting details from him I decided to go a step further and slightly to the left.

Kevin Smith is one of my favourite directors. I know he is juvenile in humour as well as quite vulgar, I don’t care. He can write dialogue and is an inspiration to me as a lover of film. Kevin Smith does a series of podcasts ( and one of them was the inspiration for this further step. He does a specific podcast with his friends and family called “Highlands: A Peephole History” in which they tell stories of the town they grew up in and the people they knew. What a great way to immortalize history. Sure there are journals, diaries, and genealogy, but this is stories told by people who knew them best. So I basically interviewed my father for 25 minutes that was originally intended to simply fill in some info for my novel. We ended up talking about a lot of different stuff. I plan to continue this with him and other members of my family. What will I do with it? Who knows. But when I am on trial for embezzlement and murder one, maybe this will help the made-for-TV movie that will follow suit. Thanks for stopping by.




I am indeed a nut in a shell. The shell is the simple idea that social situations can be nearly paralyzing to me. It’s funny because the rest of my family is crazy social. I am trying to change this part of my character. Social anxiety is inherent with low self esteem. I have never thought much of myself so I try and stay on the defensive. After all, you can’t hate me if I hate me first. So there :p. With low self esteem comes my codependency. I have some wonderful friends and family that validate me. They gently stroke my ego and remind me why they like me. I literally feel like I can’t go a single day without hearing it once from someone. It is truly a sickness. I should be able to like myself and let others decide for themselves and not take it personally if they decide not to like me. Again, I am working on this.

Happiness and sanity are important ideas to me. So with my behavioral medications upped an added I also asked my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. There are two right in my area so I will be checking with them. I need to get to the root of these issues. Maybe it’s not 100% chemical. Sure with a family history of mental issues and addictive personalities those things can be just a part of my genetic makeup, but there could be another explanation. There could be some thoughts and feelings so deep I have forgot about them consciously but subconsciously they are tormenting me. I can safely say at this moment I am happy. If not happy then at least content.

Other health stuff? Fainting spells are still common. I nearly passed out behind the wheel two days ago. It is scary when I am anywhere but home, so I am home. There is a family reunion occurring in the beautiful Cedartonville Canyon but I am very fearful with the dizziness and such. So I am staying home. Safe and near my doctors. Hopefully after the two months on the maximum doses of Coreg, Lisinopril, and Spironolactone my heart will be improved enough to get off them. That will be an awesome day.

Speaking of drugs, another funny thing happened at the pharmacy today. I went in to get a refill on my Torsemide and the wait seemed forever. There is a system issue and I am waiting for one guy to get done. I start pacing and swaying to keep myself awake and I see a male pharmacist that attended to me after collapsing the previous time. He kind of eyed me to make sure I didn’t hit the deck. Then the beautiful blonde came to my attention and she called me by name. The narcissist in me loves the sound of my own name when spoken by a woman I am attracted to. It goes back to that validation factor. So I turn on the small talk feature in my brain.
“It’s a little sad that you know me by name now” I said.
“I know almost everyone’s name” she replied with a cute smile.
She grabs my pills and comes back and I ask “Were you here when I passed out?”
“I was the one that called the code in on you!”
“It’s weird,” I say, “this never happened before but now it is all the time almost.”
She tells me she had it for about 13 years and it went undiagnosed that whole time. She had three heart surgeries and showed me her scar. At first I wanted to cry thinking to myself, what if I don’t get better? What if this is indeed the calm before the storm? But I quickly realized, well, she is still living. Good looking and happy on the outside. Even if more health trouble comes my way, it doesn’t have to be the end. I can fight anything I feel. I love everyone I meet at the hospital. Truly a place of healing in so many different ways. So for tonight I am gonna try and get a little sleep. And considering I will be alone for the next few days, I could really use a “nurse” to sleep with her head on my chest at nights (you know…to monitor my heart rhythm and help resuscitate it should it get too low) and be there should I fall down the stairs. I would hate to have that happen without an audience. What can I say? I’m a showman. Never can be too careful. Thanks for stopping by.