Archives for posts with tag: me

In life, just as in film and television, there are second takes. Tertiary takes. Multiple takes in which we try to get things just right. We’ve been brought up to make a great first impression, because you only get one. We are also brought up to not judge a book by its cover. First impressions are just the cover of your personality. So we are taught to be charming and alluring covers that no one is supposed to judge. Life. What an exhausting and aggravating series of contradictions we put up with.

The only reason I brought up multiple takes is because this is the third revision of this entry. Not just in my wording or witty title linked to both theme and the music I am listening to as I write, but in the theme as a whole. Usually once I start on a theme, I just go on until I am tired of grinning at my own wit. This time, it was different.

So many emotions are running through my head and I can’t focus on one. The only thing I know is I don’t want to be a downer. The first two attempts focused on the sad and scary events to come. Why focus on that? I need to make a good first impression to those that this is a first entry for. If you are new, don’t judge me by my cover. Don’t judge me even though I have thought and rethought what to say so that if this is the first time for you, you will love and accept me. You will take me off the shelf, read me cover-to-cover, and bug your friends about this great new book you found.

I am stuck. Stuck up. Stuck up on this shelf. I am trying to dust off the cover and patch any torn bindings so you won’t run at first glance.

My focus is on the week to come. Another doctor visit. Another birthday. Another attempt to remain calm when my only thought is to run far away. This week will be good. I’ve already written three days in a row and ran the last two days. Things are off to a steady start. Let’s hope for the best as I reach to rip my heart from my chest. Thanks for stopping by.

Love,
adn

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Compulsion: the new fragrance by adn. Top notes reeking of desperation and fear with just a hint of personality to tickle your mid palate. Alas, the lingering odour will offend you and you will leave.

In high school I remember an instance where I was attempting to comfort a friend in time of loss. Not real loss, mind you, high school loss. The “one” he thought he was going to marry. Ha. This friend went on and on, spewing forth tired and tried lines such as “why doesn’t she love me?!”. I could only think of one thing to say. One thing that I felt was true and would bring his spigot for eyes to a restful and much needed close. I said to him “while the whole world may not love you, you will never love the whole world”. He had this need to be loved by everyone and not be second in anyone’s book. At the time I was baffled. I was a very typical high school student. The kind that felt everyone was against them, so they stayed on the defensive. Hating you first so that you can’t hate them. In your face! These types were not as atypical as they wanted to believe. So his reaction to her no longer loving him, to me, felt far too overdramatised.

Cut to present day adn. Sitting alone and trolling through various social networking sites seeing people’s engagement notices and “we’re pregnant” notices and I feel sick. Jealous sick. Why doesn’t this person love me? I love them. Why am I not married? Why am I single? adn, take your own advice to heart.

while the whole world may not love you, you will never love the whole world.

To present me, there are only two types of love. Love between family and love between…well…lovers. Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, in whatever variation you please. I fall in love with damn near complete strangers based solely on physical appearance. Then when they leave for another, I turn into an angry, jealous, and wounded bear. If I were Native American, I think that would be my Indian name. These people don’t even leave me. We were never together. We were friends and I was crushing. Crushing hard. So all my hatred and hurt is my own fault. I cause my own pain because I don’t like people in the normal way. I don’t get to know them and take things in order. Any girl I have ever been with has started out as makeout buddies and then when they wanted more, I put up a wall. Not a wall I believed in. A wall because I was afraid that I would get hurt. That’s me. adn, defensive lineman in the game of love.

I am taking this opportunity to say, I am pledging a life of celibacy. I haven’t given love the chance it deserves. The love it needs to flourish and grow. I have treated it like an object. As much as I thought I was a nice guy, that was a lie. I was always simply trying to get a kiss. I said anything you wanted to hear just so you would like me. And then, in the off chance we developed feelings, I showed you I was just like the rest. This applies to every girl I have kissed. Some I have genuinely fallen for but the majority were just kissin’ buddies in my time of lonely desperation.

Don’t buy this scent. It’s over for my love life. I will love me. Love my family. The truth is, I don’t want to get hurt.

’tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Horse shit. I don’t want to risk it. I am not that strong. Thanks for stopping by.

Love,
adn

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Well friends and family, it is almost a week later. What has happened to me you might be wondering. I am glad you asked!

School has started and I am truly loving it. I am still the shy boy that doesn’t talk in class, but I enjoy class. So it’s a plus.

Health? It’s good and uncertain. My heart is a strong 30-35% ejection fraction. Hooray! What was I worried about? I should have went with my gut and waited until Dr. Miller had a chance to review it, but I didn’t. I freaked out and made some stupid decisions. In light of all that, we are still pushing exercise and medication. I need to be above 35% at my next echocardiogram to be considered in the clear. My hopes are definitely high for the upcoming months.

I have yet to hear from my neurologist to even see her, let alone have the test. I am even looking forward to the electroencephalogram (EEG) because it may provide some information on insomnia and nervous ticks I have. As I write this I am going on no sleep and I can’t quit tapping my foot. Maybe a new life is just around the corner. I am excited to keep going on this journey and will provide updates all along. I hope you are enjoying these posts and I look forward to more updates. Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

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