Archives for posts with tag: music

Where do I even begin?

As a boy you are taught to be dominant. Obstinate. Rebellious. The only thing I am obstinatious about is this line of thinking. I am not dominant. I am not rebellious. I have my own thoughts and emotions, but they aren’t in conflict with anyone else’s. Therefore, I am an individual without the annoying “you can’t tell me what to do” mentality. My family may disagree slightly on this point, but that’s ok. They can’t tell me what to do. What happens when you aren’t good at filling the stereotypical male role in life? That’s what I’ve been pondering as of late.

First I feel the need to link the title to the subject. A part of dominance is indifference. You will find people that can’t be gulled or bullied into your mindset. You can’t make everyone be the perfect friend, partner, family member, etc. Everyone is an individual at heart and some won’t be swayed by baby blue eyes and dimples as deep as the ocean. Herein lies the rub, if you have been taught to be a good alpha male and you have had success in it, your failures will be few and insignificant. You’re indifferent to them. You move on. I am not indifferent about anything. I try my damnedest to simply shrug off failures no matter the scale with no success. I dwell. I stagnate. In that regard, indifference is killing me. I need to learn acceptance and perseverance.

The second thing I have found about not fitting into male stereotypes is, you will eventually. You will do so not even of your own accord. You become the guy that all the girls wish their guy or previous guys were like. You relish and bask in your glorious rise above. Nice guys do finish. Once you finally have a success under your belt, you turn into the alpha male. Nothing can stop you. You are now the desired and sought after. Instead of enjoying the company you’re in and being grateful for the newfound love, you think of the next move. Why? Because you’re a guy. You’re inherently an asshole and there’s little to do about it. Or is there?

Obviously these are my own opinions and do not reflect much fact. They are based 100% on emotion and facts are skewed by those emotions. I recently felt like I was wronged by someone and I couldn’t just let that person go. I needed them to know how I felt. The more I thought about it and distanced my emotions from actual events, I discovered I was that alpha male. I had someone to like me for me and all my faults and all I could think of is how the other males would react. Never taking into account my feelings or her feelings. I was searching for a trophy. An object for others to covet. What did I end up with? Nothing.

Now, this isn’t really the “end” in so many words, but it probably will be a temporary end of hunting. Deep down I think I am a nice guy. I think we are all nice guys deep down inside. The only thing that separates the alpha males from the nice guys is the idea that in order to be happy our fellow knuckle-dragging cave dwellers have to be jealous and covetous. Let’s all focus on the positive things in our lives. Be happy with what we do have and who we are at the core. Back to the roots. So pick up those knuckles, clean behind your ears, open doors for others, and smile. On three…break!
Thanks for stopping by.




In life, just as in film and television, there are second takes. Tertiary takes. Multiple takes in which we try to get things just right. We’ve been brought up to make a great first impression, because you only get one. We are also brought up to not judge a book by its cover. First impressions are just the cover of your personality. So we are taught to be charming and alluring covers that no one is supposed to judge. Life. What an exhausting and aggravating series of contradictions we put up with.

The only reason I brought up multiple takes is because this is the third revision of this entry. Not just in my wording or witty title linked to both theme and the music I am listening to as I write, but in the theme as a whole. Usually once I start on a theme, I just go on until I am tired of grinning at my own wit. This time, it was different.

So many emotions are running through my head and I can’t focus on one. The only thing I know is I don’t want to be a downer. The first two attempts focused on the sad and scary events to come. Why focus on that? I need to make a good first impression to those that this is a first entry for. If you are new, don’t judge me by my cover. Don’t judge me even though I have thought and rethought what to say so that if this is the first time for you, you will love and accept me. You will take me off the shelf, read me cover-to-cover, and bug your friends about this great new book you found.

I am stuck. Stuck up. Stuck up on this shelf. I am trying to dust off the cover and patch any torn bindings so you won’t run at first glance.

My focus is on the week to come. Another doctor visit. Another birthday. Another attempt to remain calm when my only thought is to run far away. This week will be good. I’ve already written three days in a row and ran the last two days. Things are off to a steady start. Let’s hope for the best as I reach to rip my heart from my chest. Thanks for stopping by.



Listening to a very fantastic song at the moment and this line sticks to me. “A little advice for aspiring fires, you get put out if you don’t get a little wild”. Oh joy of joys. This is why I am feeling so great recently! Caution has been thrown to the wind and I am in a place I haven’t been before. Instead of a feeling of sheer terror, I am ecstatic. I like being ambiguous about these things for now because it makes me smile when it is something between few people. One of my many issues is letting people opinions dictate my own. In school if a friend didn’t like a band I liked, more often than not, I would stop liking them. My older brother used to tease me for liking Silverchair. I currently tease my little brother for liking Metallica. The thing about asn is, my teasing hasn’t swayed him a bit. He likes what he likes and you can’t say boo about it. I still fully believe he will come to the realisation that Metallica is awful, but until then he is free. And in his defence, I absolutely love the album they did with the SFSO. A great meld of metal and orchestral bliss. Michael Kamen was a genius. (side note: the iPhone dictionary recognises Metallica as a word but has that berating red underline underneath Silverchair. What gives iPhone dictionary?)

Back to my new joy. By leaving it quiet for now, I don’t have to worry about the opinions of others. I am still working on being stronger at my own joys and not let others’ opinions change my own. Until that point, I will be reserved. Considering 90% of my visitors are random Internet wanderers anyway, it doesn’t matter much. But I like what I like dammit. 🙂 Now I am going to sleep. It has been a long and beautiful day. Thanks for stopping by.



I think it’s time for another blog for some recommended music. The iPod is on shuffle so I am not sure how long this will be. Maybe you should just enjoy? 😉

Song: Everybody Knows
Artist: Tina Dico
Album: Count To Ten
Beautiful song with great vocals and lyrics.

Song: My Business
Artist: Tina Dico
Album: Count To Ten
Strong woman music makes me happy. What can I say? Must be the strong women in my life.

Song: Kingdom
Artist: Dave Gahan
Album: Hourglass
Is there a God who loves us all?

Song: Naked
Artist: Skip Peri
Album: Naked
Folky country lovin’ stuff.

Song: Lost Verses
Artist: Sun Kil Moon
Album: April
Lo-fi love

Song: Fade Into You
Artist: Mazzy Star
Album: So Tonight That I Might See
I met some awesome people in high school. This song was introduced by some hip kids.

Song: Beautiful Things (Gabriel & Dresden Remix)
Artist: Andain
Album: Beautiful Things
Trance that I found while in Cedar City. Great stuff.

Song: The City Consumes Us
Artist: The Delgados
Album: Universal Audio
Christmas in Cedar city. Leaving my cushy job as an editor to become a whore for an empty living.

Song: Make Your Move
Artist: The Delgados
Album: The Great Eastern
I went on a kick. Beautiful music full of grand memories.

Song: Genius of Love
Artist: Tom Tom Club
Album: Tom Tom Club
It was 5 am and I was watching Totally 80s on VH1 Classic. Same time I discovered Madness. Wow. Great music video.

Song: Idaho
Artist: Nerina Pallot
Album: Fires
The swell of the strings is enough for me.

Song: Everyman
Artist: The Guggenheim Grotto
Album: Happy The Man
Stroll along the pathway and just listen. It’s okay.

Song: A Better Son/Daughter
Artist: Rilo Kiley
Album: The Execution Of All Things
Full of hope, a bit of cursing, strong and proud vocals and musicians.

Music continues to be a part of my everyday life. I think music is a perfect example of how some divine being exists. Thanks for stopping by.



Hello everybody. I am composing another blog right now regarding school and such but I felt inspired to share a few favourite songs of mine with you. I haven’t put links anywhere because I am not going to dictate where you choose to get your music from. I will provide the song, artist, and album. It’s up to you to find it and like it, if you like. Here goes.

Song: Making Up Minds
Artist: Eluvium
Album: Similes
Good song with a spatial and floating feel to it.

Song: Amreik
Artist: Eluvium
Album: Copia
Ethereal horns can’t go wrong.

Song: Friends of Ours
Artist: Elbow
Album: The Seldom Seen Kid
Beautiful slow song.

Song: Mirrorball
Artist: Elbow
Album: The Seldom Seen Kid
Amazing love song. Hopeful.

Song: Across the Stream
Artist: Elsiane
Album: Hybrid

Song: Eveningland
Artist: Hem
Album: Eveningland
Short and swell.

Song: Coming Undone
Artist: Highwater Rising
Album: The In Between
Found this during summer after junior year. I like it.

Song: It Generates
Artist: Iris
Album: Wrath
Pop electronica. Thank you KRCL at 1 am.

Song: Generica
Artist: Jon Crosby and the Resonator Band
Album: Generica IV
America today.

Song: Cathedrals
Artist: Jump, Little Children
Album: Magazine
Cedar City soundtrack. Nights living in a garage on a couch.

Song: House of Fun
Artist: Madness
Album: House of Fun
80s is a guilty pleasure for me.

Song: Atlas Air
Artist: Massive Attack
Album: Heliogland
Just fun to listen to as loud as possible. Great downtown driving song.

Song: Panda
Artist: Mew
Album: A Triumph for Man
Mew is a band I will always love. Just listen.

Song: An Envoy to the Open Fields
Artist: Mew
Album: And the Glass Handed Kites
Again, just listen.

Song: Welcome Home
Artist: Radical Face
Album: Touch the Sky
Recent find.

Song: Sleepwalking
Artist: Radical Face
Album: Ghost
Lo-fi shoe-gazing music.

Song: Sleep Tonight
Artist: Stars
Album: Set Yourself on Fire
Canadian alt-pop. Pretty rad.

Song: Dead Hearts
Artist: Stars
Album: The Five Ghosts
Did they seem afraid of you?

Song: Mr. Gone
Artist: Electric President
Album: The Violent Blue
Aural secks. No joke.

That’s it for now. Don’t want to overload. Tell me what you think 🙂
Thanks for stopping by.



All at sea again
And now my hurricanes have brought down this ocean rain
To bathe me again

What an opener. Almost seems cleansing. To bathe me again. Sometimes in our lives we have events that could be considered hurricanes and the results or aftershock could be seen as the ocean rain. But the author doesn’t seem battered or discouraged by this harsh weather in his life. To bathe me again.

My ship’s a sail
Can you hear it’s tender frame
Screaming from beneath the waves…

Ok, so maybe not all is as well as he thought. On the surface it feels refreshing and almost like a second chance, but what is happening below. The tender frame is screaming. A life, a heart, a soul so hurt that he can still hear it screaming beneath these waves that before seemed to be refreshing.

All hands on deck at dawn
Sailing to sadder shores
Your port in my heavy storms
Harbours the blackest thoughts

The captain awakes and keeps orders to sail. Sailing to sadder shores if need be. He feels a bit desperate and thinks at this point the only relief will be a hell worse than his current one that will provide the comfort of hindsight. But the place he reaches is friendly. Love waits for him there to harbour his darkest thoughts. Someone to bear his burden of fear and sadness and run smooth fingers through his tired hair.

Maybe. But that’s just me. What are you listening to at the moment? Thanks for stopping by.



It’s dark. It’s cold. Massive headphones surround my ears with the pleasant melodies of Brian Eno, Mogwai, Eluvium, and so on. Laying here in my bed of freshly laundered linen and favourite pillows, I am escaping. In my mind I am at a place that seems like a fantasy. Not a place with mythical creatures and humans with pointed ears, but a place of normalcy. A place where I have a wife, children, and a home to keep us safe together.

I suppose fantasies change the older you get. As kids we would look in magazines at toys, and movies, and practical joke warfare; now, I get excited to see an IKEA catalogue. I love household appliances more than I enjoy anything else it seems.

If you have seen the movie “Me and You and Everyone We Know”, you may remember the little girl that is collecting household items. She is anywhere from 6 to 8 years old and she has dishes, a hand blender, cookware…all what she is calling her dowry. I smile when I think about it because she has realized at a young age what is important. Not the material things, but she explains it’s for her and her husband and kids. She is preparing. It’s cute.

Childhood has it’s place. It’s good to scrape knees, break windows and blame it on your younger brother, or lift some penny candy from the local drugstore. These things all end up shaping who you are and have important lessons. My wish is that I would have spent less time being a moody and morose child and just focused on the time as it is. Not as it was or would be, but live in the moment. Anyone reading this will most likely know that I wasn’t the nicest person to be around up until about 4 months ago. And even then I am sure people have their doubts and maybe even grudges for how I treated them and their friendships. This entry is a way to say, that person doesn’t really exist anymore. He wasn’t happy and people didn’t necessarily want to be around him. Each day I wake up thankful for everyone in my life. My family, my friends, and myself. I count myself because we talk to each other a lot ;). If you are an existing friend or family member reading this (or if you are adn reading it again and laughing at how adorable and funny you think you are…you’re so vain) I thank you for being there and will always be there for you. If we are not yet acquainted and you found this by happenstance or were referred here because I am single, welcome. I hope we can be friends too. Thanks for stopping by.